Fate Infinity
by Cybertramon001
Summary: A series of one-shots involving any character I can think of. Inspired by Infinite Paths. Totally meant to be for humour. Rated M for language.
1. I am A Fucktard of Justice

**This is going to be a collection of short funny stories set in the Fate series and involve anyone I can think of. Inspired by Infinite Paths. Enjoy.**

I am a Fucktard of Justice

Kariya Matou groaned as he felt the pull of his Servant on his mana. At least he got _that_ right. Zouken won't be able to complain about 'what a failure' he is anymore. But the smoke cleared, causing his heart to sink.

This was not Lancelot of the Lake, as they had planned. In fact, this individual seemed more at home in the modern times than old Britain. He was a tall, pale man with spiky red hair that looked made completely of hair-gel. He wore a long black coat with a large zipper down the front, and tightened at the arms to an amazing extent. His most defining appearance, aside from his hair, was two small tear tattoos underneath his eyes. He gazed around the room before finally staring at Kariya.

"Sup." He said. "Name's Berserker. Guessing you're my 'Master'." The silence was broken by Zouken's laughter.

"Well now, Kariya." He said. "It seems you're so incompetent that you can't even summon the right spirit. Still, I imagine he will be…" Anything else he was going to say was interrupted by Berserker surrounding him with fire from two chakrams. Zouken's screams echoed while more of his bugs swarmed to save their master. Berserker merely sneered, before lighting them all on fire too. Sadly, the walls and the ceiling started burning too. Kariya ran, leaving his Servant cackling as the place fell around him. He dodged more fire and falling rubble, screaming for Sakura. He found her lying in her room, completely still as smoke filled the air. Coughing, he grabbed her, and jumped out the window to safety. He panted clean air as he lay on the grass below, listening as the old wooden house fell apart in fire. Dimly, he could hear his brother and nephew screaming in the fire, suddenly cut off as something sliced the roof off. Berserker jumped out, with not even a scratch on him. They just sat there, watching the place burn.

"So." Berserker finally said after roasting the house a couple more times. "Who's up for hookers?"

Kariya wished he never summoned the damn thing.

**(*/*\*)**

Uryuu Ryuunosuke laughed as he followed his newest friend to find an orphanage. This was so cool! Sure, the guy was a bit weird, (Who names themselves Caster?) but he was so much fun to be around. He showed Ryuunosuke so many new ways to kill people, what with demons, and magic, and he was pretty sure Caster crushed some kid's head with one hand. Maybe he should find that 'Joan' girl he likes so much and help them get together. It'd be the best way to repay him. Nah, he'd probably end up killing her. Then Caster might get mad, and stop showing him his cool tricks. He was so busy thinking he didn't notice Caster had stopped until he ran into the guy. As he rubbed his nose, wondering what happened, he finally saw the big deal.

The Orphanage was on fire. Several kids were lying around in pieces, while a dude with big red hair cackled in front of the doorway.

"Burn orphans, burn!" He yelled, fiery circles spinning in his hands. Beside him was a sick guy holding onto a girl.

"Wh-wh-why would you do that?!" He yelled at his friend, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Today's Wednesday. I always kill orphans on Wednesday." Red's friend didn't seem to understand it, but Ryuunosuke got it clearly. The dude was just like him. He loved killing people. Granted, burning the orphanage wasn't all that creative, but points for effort. He could never make a fire that big by himself. He'd need a crew. Or gasoline. Or a bomb.

"Yo, dude. That is awesome!" He yelled as he stepped from behind Caster. "I mean, that is some good art right there!"

"Glad someone appreciates my work. Name's Berserker."

"Right. I'm Uryuu Ryuunosuke, this is my friend Caster, and our hobby is to kill lots of people. Wanna join?"

"That depends." Berserker narrowed his eyes at them. "What's your wish, creepy?"

"My wish has been granted." Caster replied. "My beloved Jeanne has been brought back to life. Ah, but if only that cursed God hadn't taken her memory from her. But perhaps my magic will free her from her curse." Berserker nodded a few times in understanding, before using his circle-thingy to slice off the other dude's hand. He screamed, dropping his girl as he clutched his bleeding stump. He never noticed Berserker impale him on one of the circle's spikes.

"Cool. I just want to kill things. And you know, technically, this girl is an orphan now, seeing as how I killed her dad." The girl trembled as she crawled away from them.

"Cool. Hey, do you mind if I watch you in action? I really want to see what cool demon-things you can do."

Berserker gave an evil grin, before moving so that Ryuunosuke had a good view of the girl. His circles spun like crazy, fire billowing from them.

By the time he was done, there wasn't enough left of her to fill a glass.

**(*/*\*)**

The Grail War had been postponed due to two Servants going on a rampage. Every team was offered a Command Seal if they could stop them and their masters. It seemed that he already hit the Matou Family's home. Right now, everyone was scouring the city for the monsters.

They weren't that hard to find.

"I'M SO HIGH!" Berserker yelled as stood on the hood of a stolen car. "DROWN THE PRIEST! I AM THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST HOOD ORNAMENT!" He set a nearby store on fire. "PIDGIONS CRAP ON ME AT YOUR OWN DEMISE!"

The car exploded for some reason, throwing the lot of them in different directions. Ryuunosuke groaned while Caster prepared to summon his monsters. Berserker was whooping as his high finally wore off, though no one actually noticed the difference. They looked down the street to see a young lady wearing silver armour over a blue dress. Berserker heard Caster call out for Jeanne. Whelp, if his bitch was going to attack them, it wasn't his fault if she died.

"Foul monsters." She growled. "Your terror ends here. DIE!" She was soon intercepted by Caster's demons, but they died too quickly for Berserker's liking. Time for a song.

"Oh, I'll be burning all the demons when she comes," He sang, his chakrams burning everything in sight. "Oh, I'll be burning all the demons when she comes. Oh, I'll be burning all the demons, I'll be burning all the demons, Oh, I'll be burning all the demons when she comes."

"Cool." Ryuunosuke shouted out as he watched. "But Berserker. I've got a question. What the hell is **Reverse Nirvana**?" He was interrupted as a building just exploded for no reason. As the girl dodged again, another building exploded.

"It means I'm now an evil Buddhist with psychic bullets." Berserker explained. It turned out to be very useful when a dude with two spears showed up, along with some guy on a chariot. It was when a golden guy showed up and fired swords that things started getting dicey. One of those sword blasts killed Caster, sending his corpse through a window where it hit a music player. No one knew why it was working, or how a burnt corpse didn't just break the damn thing. But it suddenly started playing music. If Ryuunosuke listen carefully, he could swear it was 'One-Winged Angel'.

"Oh, yeah." Berserker chuckled. "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, NOW YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" His chakrams went into overdrive, and all the other servants stared in horror as a wave of fire rushed at them from all sides.

And so Axel Rose, highest rated serial killer of his realm, burned Fuyuki City to the ground, before going off to find a world-killing whale.

**Most people would know Axel from the hit game Kingdom Hearts. **_**This**_** Axel though, is from the hilarious completed web comic Ansem Retort, where everyone is bat-shit crazy, and forced to be on reality TV. Just like real life, only with less burning bodies and maiming your allies. His hobbies are killing the innocent, burning the city, and taking civilians hostage with his friend Zexion while reading a list of demands to the Governer and his director of Cabinet: Zexion and Axel.**

Class: Berserker

Name: Axel Rose

Series: (Kingdom Hearts) Ansem Retort

Master: (Kariya Matou) Uryuu Ryuunosuke

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Parameters

Strength: B (A)

Endurance: C (B)

Agility: B (A)

Magical Power: A (EX)

Good Luck: A

Noble Phantasm: A

Class Skills:

Mad Enhancement (A)

Mad Enhancement raises basic parameters in exchange of hindering mental capacities. In some cases, also seals away Personal Skills. At A level there is a rank up for parameters, but most of one's reason is robbed. Due to undergoing consciousness equalization with the Master, one has become a more mechanical Servant.

Personal Skills:

Eternal Arms Mastership (A+)

Eternal Arms Mastership prevents degradation of fighting skills when under the effect of mental hindrance. At this level mastership of combat arts has reached the point of being said to be unrivalled in one's era. By complete merging of mind, body and technique, it is possible to make use of full fighting skills even when under the influence of any sort of mental hindrance.

Mental Pollution (C)

Mental Pollution makes it highly possible to shut out any mental interference Thaumaturgy, due possessing a distorted mentality. However, at the same time it becomes impossible to come to an understanding with individuals that do not possess an equivalent rank of mental pollution. At this rank it provides a probability that mental interference magecraft will be rendered ineffective. In the condition that the Servant's master is of Evil alignment, and perpetrates acts of cruelty against the Servant, Mental Pollution will increase in rank, further increasing defences against magecraft.

Noble Phantasms:

I am So High

Axel simulates the time Zexion gave him a massive load of unknown drugs. This activates his Mad Enhancement, but makes it almost impossible to differentiate between targets. He is as likely to attack an enemy Servant as he is to attack a building or thin air. Keep well away from him.

Reverse Nirvana (Anti-Unit)

When this is activated, Axel becomes an Evil Buddhist that fires mind bullets. Such an attack is a one-hit-kill for anything with either below B ranked Magic Resistance or Endurance. Cannot be active at the same time as _I am So High_.

Merry Christmas to All (Anti-Army)

This is the ultimate form of his Mad Enhancement. It is activated by Axel hearing One-Winged Angel, and raises his stats by one rank. Unfortunately, it also causes him to go on a rampage and destroy friend and foe alike. Do not activate for any reason.


	2. Big Green! Get in Here

Saber smiled as she finally entered the main grounds of the Ryuudouji Temple. It had been difficult, getting past the spells around the only gate in. But her class's natural magic resistance allowed her to weather the traps that had been set. Casters were never very good at close-combat, preferring to fight from afar and unseen. Between a Saber and a Caster, barring trickery the Saber would always win. She took careful steps as she kept an ear out for her target. It did not take her long to find Caster inside the temple. And his appearance shocked her.

He was a large, fat, wrinkled old fat man with two antennae and green skin. His arms were patterned with pinkish circles on the underside and the shoulders, and he wore a large stained white cloak. He sat upon a white throne with four large spikes on the arm rests and the back, and on the very top was an orange jewel with stars on it.

"By all that is holy," Saber gasped, "What manner of monster are you?"

"Oh, hello." Caster replied in a monotone voice. "I'm Super Kami Caster, and I'm the guy _not_ judging you on your appearance."

"Well then. I am Saber. And you will fall tonight, you slug."

"Leave my brother out of this!" He raised a hand and Saber was knocked back slightly by his spell. "This is most annoying. I will have to summon my bodyguard." He grimaced slightly before shouting. **"Nail. Nail. Nail!"** A man appeared in a flash of green light, standing next to Caster. He was also a green-skinned man, but much thinner and younger than Caster was. He was shirtless, showing off his well-formed abs.

"What is it Lord Caster?" He asked with a world-weary sigh.

"Nail. I see a Saber. It is very girly. Kick its ass."

"Yes Lord Caster." And then he punched Saber hard enough to throw her out the wall. As she got up painfully to her feet, he suddenly teleported to her and attacked again. She barely got her blade in the way of his fist, wincing as the clanging hurt her ears. This went on for a while until she finally managed to slice off an arm. Nail yelled in pain, before grinning at her. "Psyche." He yelled again as his arm regrew from the stump, covered in green blood. He flew up into the air, before raining magic blasts down at her. Luckily, her resistance managed to help her survive the bombardment. He was about to rush in again when a sword went flying through his chest. He yelled in pain again as another sword sliced off an arm. Saber turned to see that Archer had followed her and was now defending her.

"You were a fool to have attacked this place by yourself." He said to her as he blasted off a leg and Nail fell to the ground. "If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead already."

"Then I thank you Archer." She replied.

"Nail! Are you winning?" Caster called out from the temple.

"No sir." Nail gritted out.

"Nail! Try harder. You're making me look bad!"

"Could you possibly help me, sir?"

"Fine. I will use another Noble Phantasm." He cleared his throat. **"Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah Dende. Dende! Dende."** (That part is sung to the tune of Adam West's Batman opening.) A kid-sized green man flew out of the building and landed next to Nail.

"Just wondering, what will happen if Super Kami Caster wins?" He asked Nail.

"Eh, he'll probably wish for immortality."

"Oh God. Why do we want to help him?"

"Because at least it won't be just _us_ putting up with him." Dende looked him for a moment until his hands glowed green.

"Kill them like the rest. Oh God! I'm sounding just like him!" While Dende was freaking out, Nail rushed at Archer before he could start attacking. Saber decided that they needed to stop the healer before he could do his work again.

(watch?v=5_U6h5SwgIQ)

"**Drop It."** Caster yelled as loud music started playing. Everyone started yelling as the ground shook from the force and they started bleeding. But Saber pushed on, slicing Dende in half before stumbling to help Archer. His aim had been ruined by the vibrations, leaving little craters in the ground. But together they managed to kill Nail just in time for the music to stop playing. They bashed their way inside, their attacks stopped by a powerful barrier. "I see. Nail and Dende have failed. How disappointing. But I still have one trick up my sleeve." He grabbed the gem from the top of his throne, allowing Saber to see that it was decorated with seven stars. It started glowing as he chanted in a strange language. Archer and Saber blasted his shield as hard as they could, but it wouldn't budge. **"I'm About to Misuse My Power Upside Your Head."** He shouted as a golden dragon formed out of the ball. The force of the summoning shattered what was left of the Temple, sending the two of them flying. When they got back on their feet, they saw a terrifying sight.

A massive dragon was hovering high in the air, his tail twisting and turning to touch Caster's throne. While his lower body looked like that of a snake's, his upper body was ripped. It had large muscles that sparked with energy, and its mouth was filled with razor-sharp teeth. They could sense the massive amount of mana coming from it. That kind of power was impossible.

"I am the eternal dragon of Namek, Porunga." It said slowly and loudly. "What is your wish?"

"Porunga. Kill them. And then get me the Grail." Caster shouted.

"Yes, Super Kami Guru. Your wish is granted." It glowed with a furious bright light, and Archer and Saber screamed as they were attacked.

Within the hour, all other masters and Servants were dead.

**And here is another internet character. Guru is normally a wise, noble leader of the Namekians. Super Kami Guru, however, is not. He is a jerk of the highest calibre, and makes things difficult for his own amusement. When Porunga was summoned to grant immortality to the heroes, he killed himself to stop it because "It would be a dick move to die right now." And he is one of the most hilarious characters on Dragonball Z Abridged. Seriously, go watch it. It's awesome. It's made by team Four-Star, the people also behind the brilliant Hellsing Abridged.**

**And yes, I know that Porunga only obeys wishes made in Namekian. But Guru's bad enough that he doesn't need to follow the rules.**

Class: Caster

Name: Super Kami Guru

Series: Dragonball Z Abridged

Master: Souichirou Kuzuki

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Strength: E

Endurance: E

Agility: E

Magical Power: A+

Good Luck: C

Noble Phantasm: EX

Class Skills:

Magic Resistance (A)

Magic Resistance grants protection against magical effects. Differently from the Resistance effect that merely rejects prana, this ability cancels the spells altogether. Important to note that the term "verse" seen below refers to a set of three lines. Thus, a chant of two verses is equivalent to a Six-Line incantation. Cancel spells of A-Rank or below. In practice, the Servant is untouchable to modern magi, so it would not be an exaggeration to title the Servant a "Magus Killer".

Personal Skills:

High-Speed Divine Words (A)

High-Speed Divine Words is the power to activate Thaumaturgy without the use of Magic Circuits. The language of the Age of Gods, back when words played a heavy role in spellcasting. As such, it is power long lost by modern magi. At this level High-Thaumaturgy-level Magecraft can be cast at the speed of Single-Action spells.

High-Speed Incantation (A)

High-Speed Incantation is the capacity to recite spells at high speeds.

Noble Phantasms:

Nail. Nail. Nail! (Anti-Group)

Caster summons his bodyguard Nail, the second strongest fighter in all of Namek. He is trained to fight all manner of opponents, and would give his life to defend his master (Very unwilling, though) Can regenerate from almost any injury.

Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah Dende. Dende! Dende. (Anti-Unit)

The third strongest member of Namek, Dende's main power is healing Nail. Can also regenerate, but is far weaker than Nail

Drop It (Anti-Group)

Caster summons the power of music, creating a loud song to start playing loud enough to shake the ground. But it only lasts for a few minutes.

I'm About to Misuse My Power Upside Your Head. (Anti-World)

Caster summons Porunga, the Eternal Dragon of Namek. The dragon is an all-powerful wish granting being, with power comparable to the Holy Grail. As long as Caster survives, Porunga is unstoppable.


	3. I Like Me

Illyasviel shivered as she stumbled her way through the cold forest, half-blind from the biting wind. She had been given clear instructions. Either she came back with a powerful Servant, or she wasn't coming back at all. She cursed her father under her breath as she walked into another tree. If he hadn't left her for another family, then she wouldn't have to do this. She screamed as her feet slipped out from under her, and she skidded down onto a hard flat rock. She cursed even louder, until she realised that this would be a good place to summon her Servant. She bit her thumb until blood welled from the wound, dripping it in a circle on the rock. It took her a while, but she finally got the circle and star she needed for her summoning. Remembering the incantation that had been beaten into her head –literally – she chanted until the circle was glowing with red light. A symbol started forming on her hand, marking her as a Servant. She smiled as the circle grew brighter, and a strange noise grew louder and louder.

And she stopped smiling as her Servant fell from the sky with a yell.

"Wow." Her Servant said with a strange, nasally voice. "The sky is really hard today." The snow finally settled, allowing her to see the Servant for the first time. Her heart sank as she looked at him. They had been expecting Hercules. Her grandfather got all the materials just for him. But this was definitely _not _him. Not unless he wore blue armour during his life. The Servant was only as tall as any other male, dressed in a solid blue suit. Over that suit he had small blue plating, looking like some kind of sci-fi armour she had read about. Strangely, he also wore a helmet with a dark orange visor and a black shade over it. She only noted that last because until now he had been facing the wrong way. "Oh, hello." He said cheerfully as he spotted her. "My name is Michael… No, wait. No. My name is…" He stood there as still as a statue for several minutes. "…Berserker! How are you?"

"…I can't believe it." Illya sighed as she stared at her servant. Sure, they wanted a Berserker. But she doubted Grandfather wanted one so stupid he had to take minutes to think. He was now looking around at the forest, his mood impossible to tell

"I know this place. We are in Canada (pronounced Kan-Yahh-Da). Did you know that it is Spanish for 'You're welcome'?" To her horror, she found herself puzzling over what he said until it finally clicked.

"We're not in Canada, you idiot." She actually stomped her foot in frustration. "Now, come on. I suppose I've gotta show _something_ to my family."

He gasped in surprise. "Is it show and tell? I love show and tell. Like the time I showed my classmates my drawing of a birdy. They weren't too smart though. Some of them thought it was a truck." She didn't want to know how bad you had to be to draw a truck instead of a bird. But she stopped in her tracks as she heard the howling of wolves. Crap. They must've been drawn by the smell of her blood. Berserker looked around in confusion. She quickly turned to face him. According to her lessons, a Master can use magic to see the stats of his or her Servant and what Noble Phantasms they had. She just hoped Berserker had something good. She could see the eyes of wolves just past him. Success. She got something. But she couldn't make heads or tails of them.

"Berserker, what the hell is **Control-F-U**?" He looked up at her, before pulling a rifle from his back. She had no idea where it came from. God knows he didn't have it before. As the wolves started pacing out of the trees, she whimpered in fear. She didn't have much training for combat magic. All her mana went into controlling Servants. Without Berserker, she was completely defenceless.

"Hello." He said cheerfully again. "According to my best friend, you guys are allies." What? "Let me help you. I love helping." Wait, what?! Before she could object – or smack him whichever one was quicker – he started shooting at them. She couldn't believe her eyes. Every bullet was a killing shot. Soon, they were surrounded by a ring of dead wolves. What. The. Hell?! "Did I help?" Berserker asked, seeming genuinely confused.

"Let's…Let's just get back to the castle." She sighed. She could already feel herself developing a migraine.

This Servant better be worth it.

* * *

"Here, have a free grenade. They're sticky." Berserker shouted happily as he fought against Saber. Against all odd his shooting was terrible. He hadn't even aimed anywhere near her. And when he 'gave' her the grenade, it nearly exploded. For some weird reason, he seemed to do better attacking allies than enemies. But she was closing in again.

"Berserker!" She shouted. "Use…**My Girlfriend**? What the hell is that?"

"Yay!" He shouted. "You guys get to meet Sheila." He started glowing as a large scorpion formed around him. It took a few moments before everyone realised it was just a tank.

"Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila." The tank said in an electronic, female voice. Berserker's girlfriend…was a tank? Somehow, that made a bit of sense to her. "Firing main cannon." Saber jumped away as the ground around her exploded.

"Tank, tank, tank. I have a tank. Tanky tank, tanka. I have a tank." Berserker started singing as he drove Sheila in a circle, firing randomly. His erratic driving somehow managed to save him from an inbound sword. Illya looked up to see Archer falling from above, another sword notched in his bow. "Oh. You brought friends. I have friends too. **"Initiate Piggyback Sequence."** There was more glowing, as something big stomped over to stand by Berserker. Everyone stopped and stared in horror at the sight of it.

It was some kind of robot. It was probably three metres tall on two legs, and carried a shit-load of weaponry. It stared at them, the weapons readying themselves. "Attention." It said in a horrendously deep voice. "You have initiated combat with the commanding officer of Blue Team. You will be exterminated with extreme prejudice."

"Yeah, what Freckles said." Everyone started running again as Berserker and 'Freckles' started shooting everything in sight. Illya yelped as she had to move to avoid getting shot by a missile. She was about to shout at Berserker for being so careless, when Archer and Saber finally got in good strikes. Freckles started sparking before falling over in a heap, while Sheila's turret was sliced clean off. As the two machines faded away, Berserker stood there in silence. What was he doing? They were about to cut him down. There had to be something else he could use. As she looked for his last Noble Phantasm, she ignored the weird name he apparently gave it.

"Berserker! **Kittens covered in spikes.**" He still didn't react even as Saber brought her blade down upon his head. But to everyone's surprise, he grabbed it with both hands and looked at her. He then spun her overhead and threw her into a wall hard enough to dent her armour.

"My name is Michael J. Caboose." He said, his voice getting deeper and deeper with every word. "And I. Hate. Team killing fucktards." He roared in fury, before rushing at Saber again. She barely got her blade up in time, noting in horror as it started fracturing under his blows. How could he be strong enough to break Excalibur? That was impossible. Archer managed to distract him long enough for her to get away, but Berserker pulled out his rifle and shot all Archer's swords out of the air, before blowing his chest apart with a grenade. Saber could only look on in horror as he stomped closer and closer to her. And for the rest of her time as a Heroic Spirit, one sentence still frightened her for ever.

"You're toast is burnt, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts."

**There we go. Another Berserker. Michael J. Caboose (Or just Caboose) is a popular character from the web-series Red Vs Blue. He is easily the stupidest character on the show, and we all love him for that. Check it out at Rooster Teeth. It is hilarious.**

Class: Berserker

Name: Michael J. Caboose

Series: Red Vs Blue

Master: Illyasviel von Einzbern

Alignment: Stupid.

Strength: A+ (EX)

Endurance: A+

Agility: B

Magical Power: N/A

Good Luck: A

Noble Phantasm: A

Class Skills:

Mad Enhancement (A)

Mad Enhancement raises basic parameters in exchange of hindering mental capacities. In some cases, also seals away Personal Skills. At A level there is a rank up for parameters, but most of one's reason is robbed. Due to undergoing consciousness equalization with the Master, one has become a more mechanical Servant.

Personal Skills:

Clairvoyance (C)

Clairvoyance connotes superior visual perception and dynamic occipital capture, such as to supplement the long-range aiming of projectile weapons. At higher ranks, it is possible that the bearers of this skill have acquired such abilities as precognition ("future vision") and other forms of perception beyond standard eyesight (X-ray vision and so forth). At this rank Berserker is capable of keeping track of fast-moving object within a range of 4kms. This only activates during **Control-F-U**, or **Kittens Covered in Spikes**.

Eternal Arms Mastership (A+)

Eternal Arms Mastership prevents degradation of fighting skills when under the effect of mental hindrance. At this level mastership of combat arts has reached the point of being said to be unrivalled in one's era. By complete merging of mind, body and technique, it is possible to make use of full fighting skills even when under the influence of any sort of mental hindrance.

Eye of the Mind (False) (A)

It refers to a natural talent to avoid danger on the basis of an innate 6th sense, intuition, or prescience, where accuracy of instinct has been augmented by experience - somewhat overcoming the problem of visual obstructions that appear in the course of combat. The ability grants an effect of offering resistance against penalties caused by visual obstructions. This only activates during **Control-F-U**, or **Kittens Covered in Spikes**.

Mental Pollution (C)

Mental Pollution makes it highly possible to shut out any mental interference Thaumaturgy, due possessing a distorted mentality. However, at the same time it becomes impossible to come to an understanding with individuals that do not possess an equivalent rank of mental pollution. At this rank it provides a probability that mental interference magecraft will be rendered ineffective. In the condition that the Servant's master is of Evil alignment, and perpetrates acts of cruelty against the Servant, Mental Pollution will increase in rank, further increasing defences against magecraft.

Monstrous Strength (A)

Monstrous Strength is an ability possessed by monsters and beasts, temporary boost of the Strength parameter by one rank for a time limit determined by the ranking of this skill. This only activates during **Kittens Covered in Spikes**.

Noble Phantasms:

Control-F-U (Anti-Unit)

When this is activated Berserker identifies all attacking forces as friendlies, and his aim goes from E to A. All shots will be critical, unless blocked by a defence of some kind.

My Girlfriend (Anti-Group)

Caboose summons his love of his life. A heavily armed tank named Sheila. This is more dangerous because he has no idea what he is doing.

Initiate Piggyback Formation (Anti-Group)

Freckles the Mantis Mech was found and repaired by Caboose. Because of that and his programming, Freckles is unquestionably loyal to Caboose. He is armed with a variety of heavy weapons that could devastate an army. Tremble

Kittens Covered in Spikes (Anti-Army)

Caboose is taught anger. His strength increases to EX. All enemies should tremble in fear and pray to their god. That is all.


	4. Statement: Meatbag Targeted

Statement: Meatbag Targeted

Tokiomi Tohsaka frowned as the smoke from the summoning cleared away. He couldn't understand what happened. He got the right catalyst, the right ingredients. But he wasn't getting Gilgamesh, King of Heroes.

Instead, he got what looked a lot like some sort of…robot. It was human-like, with some exposed piping at the waist joints. His armour was a rusted red, making him seem as if he had been left out in the rain for far too long. Finally, he seemed to glare at him and his apprentice Kirei Kotomine with red glowing eyes.

"Forced Greeting: Hello, my master. I am the Servant known as Archer. I hope that I will be of great use to you."

"You are not Gilgamesh." Tokiomi said dumbly.

"Resigned Sigh: Of course, I am not the Servant you wanted. Forced Cheer: Not to worry. I will prove just as capable as this Meatbag Gilgamesh. On that you have my word as an Assassin Droid. Query: Would you like me to begin with that dour meatbag behind you? He seems like a capable threat."

"That won't be necessary Archer. This is my apprentice, Kotomine. He will be aiding us in acquiring the Holy Grail."

"Sincere Promise: Rest assured Master, I will do everything in my power to obtain the Holy Grail."

"Excellent. We already have a plan to fool the other masters…"

* * *

Kirei smiled as he watched his Servant Assassin sneak into Tohsaka's grounds. If they were actually enemies, then this would be a very short battle. But he remembered the plan. Have Assassin appear to get killed, and then watch the other masters with his Noble Phantasm. As he watched, he saw Archer sneak his way onto the roof, ready to begin the attack. He pulled some kind of strange gun off his back, and sighted Assassin below. As Assassin got to the last shield barrier, Archer threw a strange device at the ground. Most likely a grenade of some kind.

Then he looked up and fired a blast at Kirei. The shot moved too fast for him to react at the betrayal.

The last thing he saw was how it would slam into his skull at its current trajectory.

* * *

"It looks like the plan was a success." Tokiomi said into the radio device they had set up between him and the church. "I assume that Kirei has made it back to the church successfully?"

"He did." Risei Kotomine, Kirei's father, replied. "Though I think that we should avoid meeting face to face in case the other masters realise the deception."

"A sound plan. Tell Kirei to have Assassin ready to scout."

"Of course. I assure you that everything we know about the enemy masters, Archer will know."

* * *

Saber growled in pain as she dodged another attack from Archer. The damned Servant was relentless, and clearly had no concept of honour. He brazenly attacked her while she was busy with Lancer, and had even killed Rider's master with some kind of explosive and gas. She screamed as a small device he threw suddenly created ear-splitting shrieks, before getting shot again. Her armour was tough, but at this rate she was going to die.

She supposed she could consider herself lucky that Berserker showed up at this point and attacked Archer. The Servant pulled out a bigger gun, blasting Berserker away with a powerful shot. But Berserker managed to get back up quickly, and Archer started fading away.

"Threat: You may have survived this round, Saber. But you won't always have a mad meatbag to save you." Archer shouted at her as he ran away. Saber smiled as they chased him off, until Berserker suddenly charged her too.

Why did they have to all attack her tonight?

* * *

Kariya Matou grimaced as he felt Berserker drain more mana in his fight against Berserker. He hadn't ordered the attack, but with Archer gone he didn't really mind. One less servant to worry about later on, after all. He had to win. He had to protect Sakura from Zouken.

"Kariya?" He heard Aoi's voice in the alleyway. "Kariya are you down here?"

"Aoi? What are you doing here?"

"I…I realised how cowardly I was. I should never have let Tokiomi give Sakura to your family. But he won't listen to reason. I need your help."

"Of course." Kariya smiled as he thought of them being together. "What can I do to help?"

"We'll need someone strong to break her out. Someone like a Berserker."

"You're in luck. Berserker's my Servant."

"Oh thank you." A red light flashed as his arm was severed by a shot. Kariya screamed as he fell. With his arm severed, he couldn't give commands to Berserker. What happened? "Mocking Statement: This is why I could never love you Kariya. It made you such a fool." Archer came stepping into the light, his gun pointed at Kariya's head. "False Reassurance: Don't worry Kariya. I'll make sure to save Sakura from whatever your family's doing to her." Archer was somehow speaking with Aoi's voice. Kariya shivered as he realised the potential for damage Archer had.

This was his last thought as Archer blew his head off.

* * *

Kiritsugu Emiya watched the Hyatt Hotel as he and Maiya finished setting up the bombs. Kayneth El-Melloi was staying here, confident that all his traps will save him from destruction. But he was expecting a normal attack, going from floor to floor to reach him.

He would never expect someone to just blow up the hotel with him in it.

The place shook as explosions tore apart the levels, and caused the whole place to collapse upon itself. Emiya looked in shock. What happened? He made his orders very clear to Maiya. They were going to 'alert' the hotel to a fire, thus clearing out all the civilians. El-Melloi would be so arrogant that he wouldn't run from such an obvious trap.

"Maiya, what the hell happened?" He said angrily into the radio.

"Sorry Kiritsugu. Something went wrong with the circuitry. The bombs detonated too soon. I barely got to position before it happened." Emiya just watched as hundreds of lives were lost in a burning inferno. Damn this war. It forced him to kill so many innocents just to achieve his goals. But he had to. Otherwise their deaths would be meaningless. "Sir, we must keep pushing forward. According to my information, we can now confirm that Assassin, Rider, Berserker, and now Lancer are dead. That leaves only Archer and Caster to go. Would you like me to find Caster?"

Right. He had to put the mission first. That was what mattered most. "Yes." He said into the radio. "But do not engage him until he is alone. I don't want more casualties after tonight."

"Yes sir. Rest assured, Caster and his Master will be dead very soon."

* * *

Uryuu Ryuunosuke smiled as he tried to play his organ again. The first notes went fine, but the C-Sharp just didn't sound right. He tweaked the instrument, but it just wouldn't do as he wanted. "Darn it." He muttered. "Looks like you're not a very good organ, are you C-Sharp?" The kid could only gasp as Caster's spells kept her alive. He was going to have to find someone else to take her place. Maybe they could hang her on the wall. She'd make a good artwork. As he stopped playing, he realised that there was no sound. Even Caster's pets had gone silent. As he turned around, he saw a red robot not far from him.

"Bold Greeting: Hello young Master of Caster." It said to him. "Admiration: That is a very fine instrument you have there. I would never have considered it before. Genuine Awe: My circuits shake in awe at the wonders you came up with."

"Oh hey there robot dude." Uryuu said nicely. Anyone that could appreciate good art couldn't be all bad, could they? "Yeah, it is pretty good. But unfortunately C-Sharp's going to have to hang elsewhere. She's just not high enough."

"Proposed Alliance: I would very much like to work with you and your Caster. If you can come up with such good killing work, then we'll sure to become best friends." He turned to look at C-Sharp for a bit. "Suggestion: How about this little girl here? She is very squeaky for a meatbag, and no one will miss her." The little girl had short, purple hair, and was trying to pull free to no avail.

"Suh-weet." Uryuu replied. "Robot-man, you are the bomb. Hey Caster!" He shouted deep into the sewers. "We've got ourselves a new friend."

"Thrilled Suggestion: Don't forget to remove the legs and arms. Little meatbags will run off the moment you take an optic of them."

* * *

Irisviel hummed as she walked around town, Saber not too far behind her. They all agreed that it was such a good day. And no Servant would dare to attack her in broad daylight. She was just wondering about buying some shoes when her phone started ringing.

"Hello?" She asked as she checked the number. It didn't match any number she knew, which wasn't a lot.

"Iri." Kiritsugu's voice reached her ear. "Sorry about this call, but my damn phone broke down. I think it was sabotage."

"What do you want me to do?" She asked as she started looking around. Suddenly, she was glad that Saber was near. If she was attacked alone, she was finished.

"I want you to stay right where you are, inside the crowd. No Servant will dare attack you in such a public area." She smiled as she obeyed. Everything he said was true. But as she stood there, she thought she spotted light glinting off something. "And there's something else I want to say."

"What is it?" She asked as she tried to take a better look at the glint.

"Statement: I have never been one for following rules." Iri's eyes widened as she finally spotted Archer, just before the bullet blasted through her. She saw Saber run over to her, but it was too late.

She died, knowing that Archer could fake voices.

* * *

Kiritsugu Emiya sobbed as he heard the news of Iri's death. It was all his fault. His and Saber's. They let her go out of the castle, thinking she would be safe. But Archer killed her with ease. The police were investigating, but he knew they wouldn't find anything. He'd give anything to have his hands around the robot's neck.

His phone started ringing, showing an unidentified number. The same one on Iri's phone. He fumbled with it until he got it working. "Archer you Sonofabitch I will make you pay."

"Rebuttal: No you won't." Archer's smug monotonous voice replied. "You will instead meet me at the Fuyuki Bridge so that I can hand you Caster's Master. I'd wager you could do a lot with him obeying you."

"And why would I ever have anything to do with you?" He snarled back.

"Answer: So that the deaths of all the meatbags in the hotel aren't meaningless. I know how much you meatbags place on 'meaning'." He hesitated as he realised how he knew that.

"It was you. You sabotaged the explosives."

"Proud Statement: Of course. Brilliant idea, by the way. Shame that Lancer's master had a spell to defend him from that. Luckily, I was nearby to finish him off. Threat: once again, meet me at the bridge. Or the next time you won't know I'm here until my shot blows your head off." As soon as the phone finished hanging up, Emiya was already ringing Maiya. She had to know whether what he said was true.

"Emiya." She said instantly. "I just saw Archer capture the man I've identified as Caster's Master. I wanted to take the shot, but I wasn't certain I could do it and escape Archer. Long range is his speciality." She was silent for a moment. "I heard about what happened to Iri. I'm sorry."

"I need you to scope out the Fuyuki Bridge. Archer wants to give us Caster's Master for something, and I need to know he won't double-cross us."

"Understood."

* * *

Emiya and Saber watched the bridge from a very safe distance. In the centre, they saw a red-headed man slumped next to Archer. He stood perfectly still, as any robot would. But they hadn't heard from Maiya.

"Emiya." She said finally over the radio. "I have finished scouting the local area. Archer doesn't have any allies to cover him. If we get Saber close enough, then Archer would be powerless to stop her."

"Agreed. Moving forward with the plan." He replied, hanging up. He and Saber stalked closer, alert for anything that Maiya might've missed. But nothing happened as they approached.

"Statement: I'm glad you could make it Organic." Archer said to them as they stepped closer. "Come closer. I assure you I won't blow myself up just to kill you."

"Why are you doing this?" Emiya asked, holding Saber back. They had to wait until he was less alert.

"Resigned Sigh: My master does not fully appreciate my skills. So I plan on getting him killed and find a new master. Thoughtful Question: Perhaps you could let me have this organic after you are done ordering around Caster? He and I got along rather well, until I betrayed him of course." Saber and Emiya glanced at each other, before nodding. They were never going to let Archer survive. They would use this as a chance to get revenge.

"We've decided." Emiya responded. "We'd rather have our revenge." Saber yelled as she rushed Archer faster than he could react. Excalibur was buried to the hilt in his chest, sparks glowing everywhere.

"Systems failing master." Archer responded as he faded away. Saber turned, to show her covered in red in the shape of Archer.

Wait. Robots don't bleed.

His question was answered as a bullet tore through his chest, before another blew Saber's leg from under her. As he laid there bleeding to death, he heard his radio crackle.

"Mocking Statement: While my associate promised not to kill you, I made no such promises." Maiya's voice sounded out. If he still had the strength, he would've cursed. Archer could mimic voices. How many other teams had fallen for the same trick? He could only watch as Caster's Master stood up smiling, before his head exploded from Archer.

It seemed that the mad robot would betray everyone.

* * *

Tokiomi smiled as Kirei told him the good news. Every other team was dealt with. Archer managed to win in only a couple of nights. He was glad he got him instead of Gilgamesh. Clearly, this Archer was far more efficient. Tokiomi laughed in exhilaration as he opened the church doors.

"Kirei!" He shouted. "Risei! It's time to celebrate!"

"We're down in the basement." He heard Risei shout back. "Kirei just got back from acquiring the Holy Grail from the Einzbern lady."

"It was no trouble for me." Kirei replied as Tokiomi got closer. "We even had time to go over the instructions again."

"Good, good." Tokiomi said as he opened the door. "Now then, let's get…" He stopped, as he saw Kirei and Risei sitting on the couch, very much dead. And from the dried blood on Risei's shirt, they had been for some time. He tried to run, but his arm and leg was blown off by an explosive. As he lay there, screaming in pain, he saw Archer approach him.

"Mocking Statement: You forgot to say please." He said in Kirei's voice. And then he spoke in Risei's voice. "Angered Query: So, when did you plan on telling me that _all_ Servants must die to power the Holy Grail?"

"You… You betrayed me." Tokiomi could only gasp. "But… the three laws." Even he knew the three laws of robotics.

"Mocking Statement: Ah yes, the three laws. While good to the meatbag mind, are less useful for an Assassin Droid. And to think that if you summoned first, you might've had your precious Gilgamesh instead." Archer said all this in his normal voice. "Grandiose Speech: I do serve a master, but it is not you. It is the Grail. I will fulfil its wishes, and the world shall learn to fear the name of HK-47." Tokiomi could only tremble as the homicidal robot got closer and closer with his blade.

"Now, how to turn you into Mana?"

**Well that was not really funny. But it was enjoyable.**

**Hk-47 is a homicidally evil robot companion from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (or Kotor for short). He was made by the Sith Lord Revan to be an assassin droid, and did his job with gusto. His dark humour and one-track killing mind make him utterly hilarious in a black comedy way. If you still have an Xbox, or a 360, then give it a try.**

**And yes, I know he's more an Assassin than an Archer. But I really wanted him with Tokiomi and his long range fighting make him a good Archer.**

Archer

Name: HK-47

Series: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Master: Tokiomi Tohsaka

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Strength: C

Endurance: B

Agility: C

Magical Power: N/A

Good Luck: B

Noble Phantasm: A+++

Class Skills:

Independent Action (A)

Independent Action is the ability to remain independent even when rejecting the prana supply from the Master. At the higher ranks, it is also possible to remain for extended periods of time in this world without an established contract. It is both useful and troublesome depending on the disposition of the Servant and the rank of Independent Action. Acting in autonomy from the Master's prana supply, the Master can concentrate their own prana on large spells, or the Servant will be fine even in the case they cannot supply prana due to injury. The downside is that they can be harder to control and keep by their side, making the only true way to command them by utilizing Command Spells. At this level can remain in this world for a week even after losing his Master. However, to use Noble Phantasms of great prana consumption, back up from the Master is necessary.

Personal Skills:

Battle Continuation (B)

Battle Continuation is the strength of vitality for predicaments. Also, the ability to withdraw from combat and reach allied territory alive after being defeated. At this level Archer can fight for longer than usual due to redundant systems, but he will shut down if he sustains enough damage.

Clairvoyance (C)

Clairvoyance connotes superior visual perception and dynamic occipital capture, such as to supplement the long-range aiming of projectile weapons. At higher ranks, it is possible that the bearers of this skill have acquired such abilities as precognition ("future vision") and other forms of perception beyond standard eyesight (X-ray vision and so forth). At this rank Archer is capable of keeping track of fast-moving object within a range of 4kms.

Disengage (C)

Disengage is the ability to break away from combat. Bonus effect of returning battle conditions to what they were at the beginning of the match.

Noble Phantasms:

Voice-Replication Software (EX) (Anti-Unit) (Self)

Archer can replicate any voice he has heard before, to a perfect level. As far as the listener is aware, they are speaking to the real thing. However, he cannot change his physical appearance, making this more useful for luring targets away.

Assassin Droid Knockoff (Anti-Unit)

Allows Archer to create a single HK-50 unit to aid him. These units are almost as strong as Archer himself. Have a habit of calling meatbags 'organics'.


	5. We're Fucked

**Ok, so it's been a while since I've updated this. That's mainly because this is just a fun little side project I've got on, and not meant to be serious. And I've been a bit busy recently with personal stuff, along with the stories I'm already doing. Oh, and I've had to start some more stories on my computer to get my head cleared enough to continue working on this stuff. I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter, but hopefully I won't end up accidently abandoning this. I really enjoy writing short stories about possible Servants I can come up with.**

**Oh, and I also realised that my original choice was perfect for a later story I'm working on, so I had to replace him.**

**Enjoy.**

Kiritsugu Emiya looked on warily as smoke billowed from the summoning circle, the Servant hidden behind it all. It lasted long enough for him to wonder if it worked when this strange 'whooshing' filled the air, along with beeps like from an old arcade game. Once they were all over, the smoke parted to reveal a… a boy. A young boy with short dark hair and a girly face. He was wearing a long black coat over black pants and shirt, with a silver tri-pointed buckle over the heart. Completing the look was a black sword over his shoulder, within easy reach. So he summoned the Saber class. Good, good. But there was still a problem.

"You're not King Arthur." He said aloud, watching the Servant. He merely gazed back with a heavy stare, unconcerned with his master's opinion.

"Wow, really?" Saber said in a high-pitched, girly voice. "I never realised. Maybe it's because I'm not some blond whiny idiot. Ever considered that genius?" Ok, maybe not _completely_ unconcerned. But Kiritsugu wasn't interested in his Servant's personality. He only cared for his skill in battle.

"I assume you know how to use that weapon?" He still had to ask. The boy looked too young to be good enough to be a Saber class.

"Do I…Do I know how to use…? Of course I… Why else would I…? Are you implying I'm not strong enough to be a Saber? Is that it?" Saber's eyebrow started twitching and his iris became very small. Kiritsugu decided it would be best for everyone to drop the subject.

"Good. Then I hope you will put your all in winning the fights. I don't intent on losing."

"Yeah well I don't either boss. Now get off my case."

* * *

Irisviel had to admit, despite his lacklustre attitude Saber was very skilled in sword fighting. He had managed to fend of Lancer for several minutes without using a Noble Phantasm. But he kept acting like he was inside a video game for some reason. The fight was close until they were interrupted by Rider, asking to form an alliance with the other Servants if they give up their wish.

"Wow, that's such a great idea." Saber was saying. "In fact, it's so great it goes right back to being retarded. It almost made me forget the fact that I hate working with others because they're all a bunch of lazy mouth-breathers who couldn't fight a boss if you handed them a damn strategy guide."

"As crude as he may be, I too refuse to ally with another Servant. I seek only to gain the Grail for my master. I cannot let him down."

"See? You work with someone, you have to share the xp. And the loot. No thanks." As Rider sighed in defeat and his master berated him for him actions, a golden glow appeared on top of a lamppost. It formed into a blond-haired Servant wearing golden armour, looking down at them with a smirk. Archer. At the same time, a black vortex billowed from the ground to take on the form of a knight in dark armour. That must be Berserker. "And wow, more Servants. This would be so great if it wasn't so completely stupid. Ah well. **So Many Lawsuits**." A grey helmet covered his head and his eyes. On the front were the letters NVG, but she couldn't quite see what it stood for. "it's so lifelike." He said to himself, standing there in the open. Berserker instantly charged him, ready to slaughter him. Iri was ready to call out, when he suddenly turned in Berserker's direction. "Troll!" He shouted, grabbing Berserker and slamming him into a cargo container. He then repeatedly punched him at incredible speed and force, not giving him a moment to re-orientate himself. He then threw the Servant to the ground, crouching over him and punching him some more. As he stood up again, the black knight faded away into nothing. Unbelievable. He had a Noble Phantasm that allowed him to kill a powerful Servant with ease? "So which bitch is next?" He taunted as he removed his helmet.

"This will be impressive." Rider said smiling. "A true test of my skills. No matter what, this will be spoken of for generations." He charged Saber, forcing the boy to dodge to the side.

"Yeah well, no one cares. **Behold, The Mythril Pebble of Pig Smiting.**" A small stone appeared in his hand, glowing with red energy. He threw it at one of the bulls pulling Rider's cart, causing it to glow red and shatter into pieces. As the other bull tried to deal with losing its companion, he struck it with another stone, destroying it too. "Well, it's been fun. But I've got a better idea on weeding out the competition. **What the Hell am I Signing?**" A funny looking hat appeared on his head, looking completely out of place. It was green, with a pink band around the front of it. "Ahem. Lancer, kill Rider for me."

"You really think I will obey you just like SON OF A…" Lancer started shouting as his body rushed Rider, thrusting his spear to kill him. But Rider managed to knock it aside, and Lancer's forward momentum caused him to get too close to the Servant. Even though he was run through, Rider still managed to lop Lancer's head off with one easy move. As he backed away, Saber skewered him in the back with his blade, before pulling out another and slicing through his neck.

"Using another to distract me." Rider said as he faded away. "A wise move. But it shows that you were frightened…by…me." And he vanished, marking a fourth Servant out of the running.

"Yeah, well, you're dead again. So… Dammit!" Saber looked pissed to realise that Rider had a point. He glared up at Archer, the last Servant left. "What about you? Ready for a fight?"

"You are not a fight." Archer replied coolly. "You required to have Rider distracted before you would even attempt to fight him yourself. You're far too weak to be a threat to me of a people."

"Ha hah ha. What?" Saber asked dangerously, his iris shrunken again.

"Of course, your voice reminds me of the women of my time. If you beg me to let you live, I will allow it. As long as you become a concubine for me."

"What?! No, I don't sound like a girl. That's crazy. That's crazy!" And he started laughing in a broken manner, his eyes glowing as he wore a sadistic grin. Archer glared at him.

"You dare laugh at me? Then prepare to die, mongrel. **Gate of Babylon.**" Glowing circles appeared behind him, with weapons sticking out of them. It was insane. This Servant had more weapons than anyone could imagine. Whoever designed this Servant clearly didn't care for balance. Archer smirked down at Saber (who was still laughing) and motioned the weapons to fire. They were launched like rain, thundering down at Saber like a stampede. But Saber merely swung his blades, shattering the weapons with each strike. Only a few managed to get past and slice through him, leaving a red glowing line on him. But those lines healed over almost instantly, leaving him looking unchanged. Even Archer noticed that. "What is the meaning of this? You should be a broken corpse on the ground, not a warrior still standing."

"Well, here's the thing, _Blondie_." Saber replied, still smiling creepily. "You may think you've got me all figured out, but there's one thing you didn't account for. My numbers are bigger than yours. Funny thing really, you get strong enough and you're basically untouchable. Any wounds I receive heal faster than you can make them. We could do this all night, and you would not be any closer to winning. But that would actually be pretty amusing. I am Kirito, the Black Swordsman of Aincrad. I'm the dude that killed its God. I am a god myself." His dual blades started glowing with red energy as he charged his attack.

"And I'm fresh out of mercy."

**I seem to like doing abridged characters for this. Maybe because they're always funnier than their original versions. This Kirito is from Sword Art Online Abridged. In the normal show, he's meant to be this kind fellow that wants to save everyone, but is sort of a loner guy. In this , however, he's a jerk that makes fun of everyone. Listening to him snarking about everyone else around him is pretty good stuff. You guy should have a watch of it. Sadly, it's only 4 episodes as of the time of this writing, but I'm hoping it'll keep going.**

**Fun fact: Kirito hates it when people say he sounds like a girl. And yet in Sword Art Online II, he ends up looking exactly like a girl in Gun Gale Online. I can't wait to see how they make fun of that in this show.**

Class: Saber

Name: Kirito (Kazuto Kirigaya)

Series: Sword Art Online/Sword Art Online Abridged

Master: Kiritsugu Emiya

Parameters:

Strength: A

Endurance: C

Agility: B

Magic: N/A

Luck: C

Noble Phantasm: A

Noble Phantasms:

**So Many Lawsuits** (Anti-Unit)

Saber equips a prototype Nervegear helmet, forcing him to stand still. However, the first person to approach him for any reason will be marked as a troll, and Saber will grab them, slam them into a nearby wall, and pummel them to death. This is an instant kill Noble Phantasm, but can only be used a few times.

**Behold, the Mythril Pebble of Pig Smiting** (Anti-Unit)

Saber creates a tiny stone to throw at a Servant, causing damage. This skill works best when used against animal Noble Phantasms.

**What the Hell am I Signing?** (Anti-Unit)

Saber equips the powerful hat of charisma, allowing him to command a single person. This functions exactly like a Command Seal.

**My Numbers Are Bigger Than Yours** (Anti-Group)

This Noble Phantasm is unique due to the fact that it only activates when Saber is angered. In a sense, it is his own Mad Enhancement. It allows him to fight faster and stronger, along with regeneration of health. Side effects include rage, sadism, delusions of godhood, and hatred for anything around him.


End file.
